Larry vs. Futurama is Back, bitches

The TV Gods have smiled and blessed us lucky viewers with a rare good decision. As opposed to creating a reality show centered around vapid megalomaniacs or churning out CSIs and Law & Orders like they were a Chinese fireworks factory in June, they are actually bringing back a show that is worth watching. That’s right kids, Futurama is coming back to a glowing rectangle near you!

Much like Family Guy, even though Futurama was cancelled it’s fans remained loyal, bought DVD’s and demanded (by virtue of buying the DVD’s) the show got put back on the air. Thankfully, pea-brained TV execs heeded fans pleas and have commissioned 26 new episodes to be shown on Comedy Central.

For those of you who missed the boat on Futurama the first time it was around, don’t feel bad, I did too. When it originally aired, I was too infatuated with the Simpsons to really notice or appreciate the show. But soon after it was canceled my dear dear friend Rose bought the DVD’s and lent them to me and I fell in love with the show.

By far, one of the best cartoons ever. There are so many things to love: Fry’s unending stupidity, Leela’s one-eyed chip on her shoulder, Bender’s hate of humans, the Professor’s oldness, Zapp’s audacity, Amy and Kiff’s love affair, and of course Zoidberg. If you don’t know what I’m talking about go buy the DVD’s, I promise you won’t be disappointed.

The show should be back on the air by mid 2010. In the mean time, enjoy these clips.

Fry getting it on with a Atlanta mermaid

Seeing through a Bending Unit’s eyes

Zapp gets lucky

Kif and Amy

And don’t forget the Penguin Sex Crisis of 3005

Larry vs. Dead Michael Jackson

I know this is old news, but after seeing and hearing all this adulation about the guy, I can’t help but rail against it.

So, Michael Jackson died and amnesiac people everywhere are morning his death. Amorous TV specials, internet tribute sites, and an jump in record sales seems to suggest that this is a tragic thing. Granted, he was talented and made his share of good music, but I can’t help but think that people are forgetting one important thing about Michael Jackson: HE TOUCHED LITTLE BOYS! WTF?

Again, sure he was among the most gifted musicians ever, but what planet are these people who are mourning his death live on that his talent as an artist supercedes child molestation? I don’t care if his music touched you deeply, he touched kids too deeply! Child molestation is the ultimate trump card in determining somebody’s worth. “Awe, he donated so much to charities and was such a humanitarian, what a swell guy… Wait, he did what? He tried to get into little boys’ Billie Jeans? Yeah, he’s a piece of shit.”

If the Pope brokered middle east peace, unified Christians and Muslims, and found the cure for cancer – but also molested children, isn’t he still a perverted asshole? Isn’t he still going to hell? I don’t care how nice of a person you are or how much joy you brought to other people’s lives, you are a piece of shit miscreant if you molest children.

And please don’t give me the: He was never convicted of any wrong doing in the court of law. Neither was OJ (until recently, and not for killing two people) we all know he did it. The guy had a fucked up childhood and had some issues, but that doesn’t give him carte blanche to be a sexual deviant with children. He should have gotten counseling for his issues like a normal person. Not build an amusement park in his backyard to lure unsuspecting kids to his lair so he can live out his Peter Pan-esque fantasies.

I don’t care what good things you do in your life, if you sexually abuse anyone, you earn a spot on my list of people I would like to see die a painful death. So what if he could dance? So what if he could sing? Jacko was a sicko and not someone who is worthy of our praises. I hope he is moonwalking his way through hell. I’m happy he’s dead.

I’m not saying people aren’t aloud [sic] to make mistakes. There are plenty people out there who despite their foibles are decent individuals. I know nobody’s perfect. However, when I’m running down my checklist of things that are acceptable and not acceptable, abusing children is up at the top of the list, right above smacking women and knowingly spreading herpes.

You’re an alcoholic; okay, I hope you work through it. You manipulate people; sure, everybody does that from time to time. You aren’t considerate of others; I get that, neither am I, but touching children inappropriately is never, and I mean never, okay.

You don’t pass GO or collect $200, you go directly to hell, even if you are an amazing person otherwise. If anything it makes me even angrier at you because I would probably have liked you and you could have achieved a lot in life and instead I have to put you in the “happy to read your obituary” column. So please, don’t forget that Michael Jackson was a vile and wretched human being, who just happened to write catchy tunes and dance well. Fuck him, I wish he had died sooner.

Governor Mark Sanford Not Missing, Just Philandering

***Breaking News***

In the past two weeks naïve voters were shocked to learn that two Republican politicians admitted to having extra-marital affairs. Senator John Ensign of Nevada and just today Gov. Mark Sanford of South Carolina careers in politics have unofficially ended because they couldn’t keep their elephant trunks in their own peanut bags. For a political party that claims to be concerned about the sanctity of marriage, the Republicans seem to have a problem actually respecting the sanctity of marriage.

At least John Edwards never waived the flag pious religiosity; he was too busy getting it on in the two Americas (one America with his wife and the other with a non-cancer patient hottie). At least Eliot Spitzer was paying the women (and thereby help the economy). I mean really.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s case seems particularly audacious. Last week he just disappeared without letting his staff or family know where. To cover for him, his staff said he was taking a break after fighting a fierce battle of the stimulus package. Then his wife said he was off to “write something.” Finally, his staff said he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail.

In fairness, all these things were slightly true. He wasn’t taking a break from fighting a fierce battle over the stimulus package, but he was taking a break from politics to get his package stimulated. He wasn’t exactly off to “write something,” but he did write off his chances of running for president in 2012 when he took an exotic va-cay with his girlfriend in Argentina. And he wasn’t necessarily hiking the Appalachian, but he was in getting touch with nature (human nature, i.e. he likes to hump).

Maybe GOP stands for Grand Old Players. To which I say, play on, players, play on. If that is your prerogatives, God Bless ya. Just don’t act like ya’ll are morally superior to us common folk who believe abortion should be legal, gays should be able to marry, stem cell research isn’t that bad, and religion should be a personal choice, not a state one.

When you wish upon a czar...

In the United States we have a “drug czar,” a “terrorism czar,” a (newly appointed) “pay czar”, a “cybersecurity czar”, a “war czar”, an “energy czar,” a "copyright czar," a “food safety czar,” and we even have a “hurricane Katrina recovery czar.” This wouldn’t be alarming if this was the Roman Empire (the term was originally derived from word Caesar and meant emperor) or 13th century Russia, but it’s not, it’s 21st century America a country that prides itself in not being ruled by an emperor. So why in holy hell do we use this archaic term for our government officials?

I did some checking and it turns out this country’s first czar (or tsar if you are north of the Mason Dixon line) was Nicolas Biddle in 1932 who was the “bank czar” appointed by Franklin Roosevelt. Since then almost every president has appointed some czar of some sort. Czar is not the official title of the presidential appointee, rather it is short hand for their often overly long actual title that the media uses, but just the idea of America having czars boggles my mind (admittedly, it don’t take much, but still). McCarthy would be turning over in his grave if he knew our government was full of czars.

When I hear the term czar I think of Russian monarchs with ostentatious facial hair and funny hats (ushankas, I think they are called) not American bureaucrats. I know Obama has plenty of other issues to tackle; the economy, healthcare, war(s), Fox News, pernicious flies, and hiding his cigarette smoking from the press, but he should take the time to sign an executive order asking the media to stop using the term czar.

Let’s use a more American-ish term for our officials, like “honcho” or “bossman” (or bosswoman) or “executive.” I’d even be okay with “person in charge of important stuff,” it’s bit cumbersome to say, but it’s better than czar. I know this is a small issue and somewhat semantically anal retentive, but this is America goddammit, not Russia. Is it just me? Am I being too sensitive?

Bawdy ESL Mishap

Hello, there on this Friday. I hope this picture set's your head right like it was a Red Stripe after a long night.


There are plenty of examples on the interweb of the butchering of the English language, but this one is one of the funniest I've seen. We all know what this advertisement was trying to say, but we also know what it does say. So next time you have heartburn buy Gavison and have a fireman come in your mouth.

Larry vs. Diving Boards

Apparently, diving boards may be as common as a live dinosaur. Pool companies refuse to install them because they are afraid of liability claims should they fail and Homeowner insurers don’t want to insure homes with diving boards for the same reason. Because businesses are so afraid to get sued, the younger generation of kids are deprived of the joy of a well executed cannon ball or the satisfaction of a diving into the pool like a seal getting after fish.

I usually despise people playing the think-about-the-children-card, as far as I’m concerned the future is now, screw the kids. But I think the nationwide ban on diving boards brings up a fundamental question that we need to ask ourselves and our children: Is this the type of society we want to live in?

I’ll grant you that diving boards do pose a hazard when they are poorly maintained or shabbily built. But how often to you hear of someone wrecking themselves on a diving board because it malfunctioned? It is more likely that some drunk jackass malfunctions himself into a diving board related injury. They can’t outlaw drunk guys yelling “Hey! Look at me I’m gonna do a front flip!” Or can they? My family reunions would be much more dull.

Spending my formative years in Phoenix I learned to love the pool dearly. I especially loved jumping off the diving board. Now, because companies and consequently people are too afraid to install a diving board, few people will experience the exhilaration of belly flopping into the pool on a hot day. I think that makes us wusses. We are so beholden to our fear of liability that we are making jack-knife jumps extinct.

America has become so litigious that people would rather go without a diving boards on the slight chance that something could go wrong. I’m not saying that we should all live life with caution to the wind, but how dangerous are diving boards? I’ve never seen a 20/20 or Dateline special report on the epidemic of faulty diving boards and that says a lot because those folks are known for blowing threats out of proportion – that’s how they make their living.

Larry vs. A Conservative Koan

Would a white male judge have fractured his ankle? Hmm..... I have a few questions for you, Rush.

I this like a zen koan or something? Like: if a blowhard makes outlandish and moronic ponderings and no one is there to hear it is he still a big fat idiot? (yes) Or: what's the sound of one @sshole windbag's jaw flapping? (it sounds his radio show)

So what do you think? Would Sotomayor's ankles have been stronger if she was a white guy? Do Hispanics have trouble walking and not breaking their ankles? Is this another example of women not being good navigators? (and please avoid the obvious answer of this is the stupidest question known to man).