Larry vs. Your Opinion of His Smarts

One of my favorite activities is dropping knowledge. You know what I mean? I find is fascinating to see people try to incorporate the knowledge you drop on them into their worldview so they can continue to think they are right in their opinion.

What I found through my years knowledge dropping is that if you drop knowledge that people agree with you can make them think you are a genius. Since they are already convinced that they are smart and that their worldview is the correct one, if you insinuate that you are in accordance with their views and know even more about them then they think you are brilliant – ‘cause not only do you agree with their “highly intelligent worldview” but you know even more about it.

“But Larry,” you say, “I’m just a dumbass. I couldn’t fool anybody.” And I would say “Exactly.” It is that type of modest attitude you must take. It fools people into thinking that you are a simple, salt of the earth, kind of guy who just calls ‘em how he sees and doesn’t realize how brilliant you are. Which, makes you even more endearing in their eyes. I too lack substantial mental facilities, but even smart people are susceptible to the whims of their ego. All you have to do is follow these simple rules:

1) Use fancy words whenever possible: Whether you are discussing your athletic acumen, or your most recent capitulation to your loved one, or the nexus between sports and soap operas, or even your boss’s nebulous work review – use fancy words whenever possible.

2) Have a lot of cool books: It doesn’t even matter if you can’t read, just have books; preferably with cool looking covers. Get a good mix of things the idea is that you appear to well read so that when you spout random bullshit the person will give it credence because they’ve seen your library and approximate it to your smarts.

3) When stating most opinions start your by saying “I was reading the other day:..” or “I saw a documentary where:…”: Similar to #2, but more direct. Everyone likes to pretend they read, but nobody really does. How else could people like Bill O’Reilly get best selling books? They are best selling because when his meager and misguided fan base pick up his book it is large enough to make him a best seller.

4) Quote people constantly: “You know, Picasso once said:…” “Mark Twain once remarked:…” “There is a French rhetorical theorist who once stated:…” You get the point, right? People think great minds think a like, yes? when you can relate what great minds have said to the point you’re making it goes to demonstrate this axiom. It doesn’t even matter if you make the quote up, the person won’t know – remember: everyone only pretends to read, they can’t call you on shenanigans.

5) Know a few obscure artists/philosophers: Just as people like to pretend that they read, they also like to pretend they are in to art. If people were indeed “in to art” American idol would not be the success it is, so again don’t worry about making things up. Or you can do some random clicking on wikipedia and memorize a short life story for 3 artists. Mine are: Roerich, Dogen, and Konstipated Monkeys Defecating.

6) Read trivial pursuit cards or Uncle Jon’s Bathroom Reader: Random shit is perhaps one of the best tools to trick people into thinking you’re smarter than them. It is pretty self explanatory tactic, but for the mentally deficient I will make it painfully clear: if people think you know lots of random shit they assume it is a byproduct of your genius.

“But Larry,” you say, “Isn’t that a lot of work to make people think you are smart even though you are not?” It may be, but it is surely less work then actually taking the time to make yourself actually smart.

Think of the benefits if people think you are smart: 1) If you say something stupid or off the wall people assume it is an esoteric reference they don’t get; 2) If you need to convince the person you are right in a certain matter they will more readily agree with you because you are “smart;” and 3) Chicks dig intelligence and can be poor judges of true character.

Larry vs. the Pope

(I wrote this post last week, but was busy doing stuff and didn't post it.)

So the Pope is in town. He has yet to call me. I always call and say hello when I’m visiting the Holy See, but can the Pope call me when he’s in town? Noooooooo. Whatever, he’s been busy, I understand.

In his first visit to the United States Pope Benedict XVI, or Benny, has been met with throngs of supporters. News reports have stated that Benny is really have a good time visiting the 69 million American Catholics – he is partying like it’s 1599 (bad joke, I know, but I couldn’t resist). He even met with Catholic molest victims to say, on behalf of God, “Sorry.”

I keep it friendly with Benny. I laugh at his jokes and pretend to agree with him when we hang out, for sake of being polite, but sometimes the guy just rubs me the wrong way. Let me say, I appreciate any system of beliefs that makes people act morally and just – including Scientology – as long as it makes people happy I’m all for it – and Catholicism has some really cool rites, and I know he means well and all, however, I think he does more harm than he realizes.

Anyway, since the Pope is in town I wanted to relay 3 quick facts about the Pope: 1) He’s 81; 2) He represents the Catholic church and all its glory; and 3) His nickname in the church is “The Rottweiler of God.”

Let’s take these point by point: 1) He’s freaking 81! I appreciate wisdom and experience, but he should be enjoying his retirement, not leading the largest religion on earth. 2) He represents the Catholic church! Don’t get me wrong I respect Catholicism, I love reading the Jesuit scholars (St. Ignatius and St. Thomas Aquinas are the shit), but any student of history will tell you the Catholic church did not always act morally (pick a century and I’m sure you’ll be able to find something deplorable). 3) The Rottwiler of God! I wish I was kidding, his nickname is in reference to his super dogmatic ways (forgive the pun). The last thing a 21st century Pope needs to be is an ideologue.

I really wish the last Pope didn't die. I really liked him. I didn't know him as well, but one of the few times I talked to him he said to me, "Larry, you know what they say, time flies like an arrow and fruit flies like a banana." I liked him, he seemed to have a sense of humor (see below):

Larry vs. the Show Part 2

It was pointed out in the comments of the previous post that for a post about how bad the show was this past Saturday was, I talked about 4 positives. It was bad, as I’m about to get into, but I am an eternal optimist and instead of focusing initially on how bad the show was I wanted to mention the 4 positives – now, on to why the show didn’t go well:

1. Amish Lowenstein
For those of you who don’t know, my dear dear friend Amish Lowenstein, is also the band’s manager/promoter/director. He helps me on stage when I forget what song to play or say something asinine. The week before the show I hadn’t heard from him at all. Which is weird for Amish, he ain’t flakey. He is the most focused and devoted member of the band. He shows up 15 minutes early to everything, he calls everybody the day before practice to confirm and relay any pertinent information, and if he does cancel anything he has a really good reason. So when I showed up to the show on Saturday, despite not hearing from him, I was shocked to see he was not there. I apologized to the audience and attempted to cancel the show because Amish wasn’t there – but that was when the next bad thing happened…

2. Betty Gallagher
For those of you who don’t know I have an on again off again girlfriend, Betty. On the 12th I was on stage telling the audience that the show was canceled because Amish wasn’t there when Betty jumped up on stage and said she’d help run the show. It seemed like a good idea till we actually started the show. Instead of Amish and I’s playful and hilarious banter in between songs it was Betty and I arguing. I thought she’d be more easy going on stage in front of people – but she was more combative than ever. She told the audience stories of times I put my foot in my mouth or embarrassed the hell out of myself. I was so pissed at her I wanted to break up with her right there, but I just wanted to get off stage so I decided I’d break up with her in a few weeks (I won’t give her the reason either, it’ll drive her crazy).

3. The Audience (or lack there of)
The turn out was bad, embarrassingly bad. It was the perfect storm of people having better (at least in their eyes) things to do than to come and shower the Low Life Bastards with adoration. We’ve played in front of sparse crowds before, but this was the absolute worst. I felt particularly bad for Nacho’s (the drummer) old lady. We practice at his place and I could see the enthusiasm on her face, “Great, I get to hear these guys play offensive music 2 days a week at home and now I have to spend my Saturday night hearing the same shit.” Don’t get me wrong she’s a sweet girl, which is why I felt so bad making her politely clap after each song with the other 5 people in the audience.

4. Amish is still missing
I’m okay with him flaking out on a show, I do it all the time, but we still haven’t heard from him. The only thing we’ve heard is a voicemail on the day of the show: “Larry, this is Amish, look I can’t talk long,” and then message cuts out. WTF? This is really unlike him to be this flaky. He once told methat his mom was a member of the Mossad, maybe they got called back to Israel for some secret Mossad stuff. I am not sure what we are going to do… If anybody has any knowledge of where the hell Amish is please let us know.

Don’t get me wrong folks, the show could have been worse, it always can. I promise our next show will go more smoothly, so next show we have, get off your duff and come see us.

Larry vs. the Show...

I haven’t been posting because I’ve been taking the time to wrap my around how horrible the show was. It is a bit difficult to contemplate. It was that bad.

Before I get started describing the failure that was April 12th. I’ll start with the positives:
1. Space 55 Theatre Ensemble
This theatre (spelled all fancy English-like) ensemble has been putting on shows and hosting local artists for a while now and they deserve some recognition. Their yearly 7 minutes in Heaven show is always entertaining, they’re home to some awesome improv, and they down like dress-gowns. I saw them put on a production of LBJFKKK that deserved to be on a much bigger stage (it was at the little theater in Soul Invictus, if I recall correctly) and the chic I brought to see it was impressed. It helped me to get down with git-down later that night. Anyway, these folks were incredibly nice despite the circumstances, which were horrible.

2. Alcohol
I got hammered. The type of hammered where I was daring someone else to give me a haircut by the end of the night. I think some guy at the bar after the show was acting like his mullet was the shit, I wanted to show him mine would’ve been better – I don’t know I was drunk, that just sounds stupid when I repeat it. The sweet sweet numbing of life that alcohol provides me in good times and bad was there for me that night. I needed it. Things went bad.

3. Music
We (the Low Life Bastards) played our best show to date. Our songs were tight and clean as hell. We even did a segment I just invented called: Spontaneous Blues. Midway through the set I just called out a blues key and told the other guitarist to play till his fingers bled. It was pretty damn good. Plus, we did a Wu-Tang cover that was freakin’ awesome (from the 36 Chambers no less). I really do want to make good music, so hearing the four of us click on our cadence felt really good.

4. Larry TV
My buddy Moobystink (don’t ask, I don’t know how he got the name) came to the show and recorded it. That’s right folks, Larry will be coming to a DVD near you – and not with a sex tape (I’m not that famous yet, it’d just be poorly lit pornography). I’ll have to ask if he can stick in audience applause and laughter in post production.

“Larry,” you say, “These seem positive, how bad could the show have been?” Oh, it was bad. I’ll explain in the next post. It was horrible.

Larry vs. Amish MIA

So, it's been a week and no body in the band has heard from Amish. Amish is our band manager, director, and promoter. I am usually the one who is a flake, not him. I don't know what's up. I am kind of worried to be honest, we can't perform unless he shows up! I'm sure he'll be there, I'm just a little worried...

Anyway, I hope he shows up to the show tonight. We can't perform without him. In the mean time enjoy this video, it's not a family guy video, it's much much better!

Larry vs. This Saturday

For those of you who don’t know, I am in a band, the Low Life Bastards. We play a mix of blues, jazz, pop, and country.

Anyway, come to the show it’s at Space 55 (NW corner of 7th Street and Pierce, Pierce is in between Roosevelt and Fillmore). We have some new songs and some new “acts.”

Email me if you want to reserve your ticket!

See you there!

Larry vs. AbFab Cruises

You know those situations where you go into them with the absolute best intentions, but you end up looking like an asshole? One could make the argument that that is a reoccurring theme in my life. Not that I am complaining, it does make things more interesting – I just wish it didn’t happen so goddamn often.

Let me start by saying I love gay people. I think they are awesome! I like the gay men because they are not chasing women, which means there is less competition for me. I like lesbian women because they share my passion for the female gender (I do love me some women). I like bisexuals because you got to respect their versatility. I like transgendered folk because I admire anybody who lives their life how they choose to be damned with everybody else, it takes balls! No wait, that was a bad metaphor - no wait, it’s the perfect metaphor, you know what I mean.

Anyway, I saw an ad on craigslist seeking a band to play aboard a month long cruise. “A cruise!?” I thought to myself in my hollow head, “It’s like being paid to be on vacation. I’ll play a set a night and then have my choice of drunk cougars to bunk up with. It’s perfect!.”

The ad read as follows:
Looking for a band with good size
Repertoires and does stuff no one pre-
Dicts. The pay is good and it includes
Free meals, drink tickets and room service from
Cabana boys.
(read lines 1, 3, & 5)

I didn’t understand the parenthetical note till it was too late. I’m not one for reading comprehension, I read it through once and just got excited about the possibilities. How could I resist? Drunk women with low standards, my favorite combination.

I immediately called the number provided and set up an interview with the Cruise Director. I brought my demo and talked a good line about how no one predicts what we do – we were the perfect candidates for the job. The Cruise Director was incredibly friendly, was all about our the band and particularly my moxy. I didn’t think much of it at the time. I was daydreaming about long nights in my cabin playing “Hurricane Larry” with my new favorite girl (very fun, I pretend she’s the Gulf of Mexico).

Then a few days ago the Cruise Director calls me for some orientation thing. I showed up a few minutes early and it was only then did I start to suspect this wasn’t your average cruise line. For one thing, the transvestite to real women ratio was far above the average. But as I said I like-a-da-gays, they can be incredible entertainers, it’s not too unusual to find them in the artistic crowd.

I began to feel out the situation and stuck a conversation with “Cher.” It was the first time I had spoken with a Cher Impersonator Impersonator, a woman who impersonates a man, impersonating the woman Cher. I admit it’s awesome concept. If I had high cheek bones I might try to make some money doing that myself (I don’t and I can’t dance in heels).

Then a bearded lady interrupted our heated discussion about whether the real Cher uses bottox. Helga Grabcowski (bearded broad) disagreed with both of us citing the modern use of Photoshop in magazines and CGI in movies can do anything for Hollywood. “For example,” she said, “Shakira was only 4’2” and only appeares big because of modern technology.” I immediately complimented her on her insight and beard. I was more sincere about the beard. It was nice and thick, thicker than mine at least.

Helga was a good woman(?) of good stock. Her talent was her ability to hit the largest range of any opera singer alive. From bass to soprano, she had it all. She gave us a sample and I almost wept in envy, perhaps the most beautiful voice I have ever heard.

We carried on for ten or so minutes about whose tits were fake and whose were real and then the Cruise Director came in and corralled our attention for a video. I liked the first part of it. It was all about how everyone should be treated equal regardless of who they choose to love/fuck, how everyone should be able to as free as possible and that the government should have no domain over peoples’ personal lives (all which I agree with whole heartedly) and then it started talking about how in international waters we can all be the free, sovereign beings the good Lord intended us to be.

From there the video took an unexpected turn, and by that I mean homosexual. I don’t think big gay orgy really encompasses what I saw. I think there would have to be a new word created to accurately describe the level of intercourse and general debauchery that was occurring; and I for one do not have the homo-acumen to create it – I’ll just say big gay orgy. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I am all about people doing what they want to do in life. I studiously read the Bible as a child and as far as I can tell, that is the main message – ad majorem Dei gloriam – no?

Then it hit me like a ton of freakin’ bricks: This wasn’t just a cruise line, this was an mega LGBT Cruise line. That means no horny milfs. That means no sex (unless I’m able to cajole some free thinking lesbians) for a whole month. The thought addled me a bit.

I calmly stood up from my chair and ran like a wild-man for the exit. I am no coward to a challenge, but the thought of being around a group of people all fulfilling their wildest sexual desires and not being able to is just too much.